These feelings and emotions can be further complicated depending on the age of your parent, how your parent died, and whether they were your only remaining parent.

Below we explore some of these different aspects of losing a parent, and share a few helpful thoughts as to how to cope when you say goodbye to them.

• Your parent is young. The death of a parent at an unexpectedly young age can cause a great deal of emotional distress. As well as all the emotions that surface when you lose a loved one, there is also likely to be a sense of injustice at the untimely loss, and deep regret about the future milestones you will face without your parent at your side. Don’t be afraid of voicing these emotions : they are completely valid and need to be worked through rather than ignored.

• Your parent has been ill. When a parent dies after a life-changing illness, you are likely to feel a sense of relief amongst everything else. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, but is completely normal. It is heartbreaking to know that your parent is suffering, and you just want that to end. But there can also be lingering guilt about whether there is anything you could have done differently in their last days and weeks, and it’s important to seek help with these feelings if they become overwhelming.

• When you lose your last parent. If it is your last parent who has died, this is a huge milestone for you. You are no longer anyone’s child, and that can feel very disorientating. Not only has that person been with you the whole of your life, but their death means that you are now the oldest generation in the family. 

• You begin to think about your own mortality. When a parent dies, it can make you start to think about your own death which can feel very frightening. It’s as if a protective layer has been removed between life and death. This can lead to a renewed interest in exploring spirituality,  particularly the question of what happens after life. It can cause a huge change in your life view and priorities.

• Your priorities begin to change. Losing a parent can, in time, spur you on to renew your focus on life goals and think about what you really want to do for the rest of your life. You have a fresh realisation of the old cliche that “life’s too short”, and want to make every day count. 

• If you had unfinished business with your parent  If you had either a difficult or estranged relationship with your parent this can lead to a great deal of regret. Even if you had a good relationship with them, there may be unfinished business, or things you wish that you or they had said. One thing that may help with this is to write a letter to your dead parent, saying everything you would want to say to them if you could. Even if no-one else ever reads it – which in some ways might be the best thing – it can help to order and release various thoughts and feelings that could otherwise weigh you down.

• If you have children yourself. You may find that the death of your parent has an impact on your relationship with your own children if you have them. It may be that your focus has been on your parent, for example helping them with practical and personal care. But now that you have moved up a generation, that focus can be redirected onto your own children, even if they are adults themselves. Losing your parent may also cause you to reflect on your own parenting and want to do more to build a positive relationship with your children.

There are so many aspects of saying goodbye to a parent, and your experience will be different from anyone else’s.

And if you had a strong relationship with your parent, that will continue to influence you in many small ways long after their death. You will be able to sense what they would say to you when you need advice, and how they would respond to developments in your life.

The most important thing is to look after yourself the way they would want to look after you and listen out for them when you need it the most. In that sense, they never really leave.