What if we say something wrong and greatly upset the child? Or traumatise them with a lifelong fear of death? Or not explain things properly and they don’t really understand that someone has died?

Below we share a few thoughts about how to talk to children about death:

• Be honest. Your child will most probably already have picked up that something has happened, so it’s important to tell them as soon as possible that someone has died, and to be as honest as you feel is appropriate for their age. It can be helpful to open the conversation with a phrase such as “I have something very sad to tell you”. Then explain gently that the person has died, and briefly tell them how – for example they were very ill, or had a bad accident. 

• Use simple words. It can be tempting to try and reduce the impact of the news by using phrases such as “passed away”, “gone to sleep”, “lost” or “gone to heaven” but these will potentially cause the child to feel confused about what has actually happened. The best thing to do is use the word “died” and then take time to explain that further as needed.

• Explain what death means. The easiest thing to do is to give the child a simple biological explanation of death. Explain that we are living things, just like animals and plants. To keep alive, our heart needs to beat, our lungs need to work so we can breathe, and our brain needs to function. When these organs stop working, our body cannot live any longer and it dies. It is then just an empty shell instead of a living person. Depending on the age of the person who has died, it might also help to explain that most people die because they are old and their bodies wear out, but sometimes younger people die if they have an illness or serious injuries which cannot be cured.

• Be prepared to discuss what death is like. Your child is likely to have many questions about death that you may feel ill equipped to deal with. The first thing to explain is that when someone is dead, they can no longer feel hot or cold, hungry or thirsty, and they are not in pain. Also be clear that once a person is dead they will not come back to life as they were, however much we may want them to. You can also explain that, although none of us know what happens after death, many people believe that life carries on in some way. If your family has any religious or cultural beliefs you can introduce these at this point.

• Be open about the funeral/celebration of life. Your child is likely to want to know what happens to the body now that the person is dead. You can tell them where the body is now and what will happen to it, and explain about the funeral/celebration of life if there is to be one. You need to decide whether or not you want your child to go to the funeral with the rest of the family. Either way, try to involve them in some small way, for example choosing a poem or song, or drawing a picture to place on the coffin.

• Don’t be afraid of emotion. As adults we can find it difficult to talk about death, and become emotional in the process. This is not something to be afraid of, and it can often be helpful for a child to understand that it’s ok to feel sad that someone has died. If you begin to cry when talking to the child, just acknowledge your feelings and reassure them that you will be fine in a minute or two. If the child becomes upset, you can hug and comfort them, and let them know that you love them and understand that they are sad.

• Reassure them that they are safe and secure. Even with all the explanations and support, a child can still feel very unsettled by death. They need to be reassured that they are safe and secure. They may worry that you are also going to die and that they will be left alone. Even if they don’t verbalise these feelings, it’s important for you to help them understand that they have a circle of loving family and friends around them and that they are not alone. Also try and keep everything else as normal as possible during this time, and make sure you tell them about anything that will be different, for example if you need to leave them, who will be there and when you will be home etc. 

The above ideas may help to talk to children about death, but the final important thing to do is to focus on life.

They need to understand that, whilst it is a very sad time right now, life goes on – and this is what their dead relative would want for them. So take time to remind them of all the good things in their life, and start to make some future plans such as visiting friends, day trips and holidays so that they have positive things to look forward to.

With your help, your child will be able not only to cope with this death, but also to develop a healthy attitude towards death and a greater appreciation of all that is good in their life.