Death; The final taboo

Death is a natural part of the cycle of life.

…And yet for most people it is still a taboo topic of conversation to avoid. In many ways we are a death-denying society. 

Some of the reasons people don’t talk about death are:

• Talking of death reminds us of our own mortality;
• Modern day death is often institutionalised, in either hospitals or care homes, and it is more comfortable not to think about this process of isolation;
• We don’t want to upset anyone by talking about death in case they have recently been affected by it.

However, death is one of the very few certainties of life, and to deny its existence is not helpful. Even if talking about death causes some people to become emotional, that in itself is not a bad thing. We are comfortable with people expressing emotion about a wide range of other topics, so why not death?

And there are particular considerations regarding talking about death with one very important segment of the population : children. How do we go about teaching children about death? As with all things, it’s not just about what children know, but how they come to know it that can make a huge difference to the way they will react to it. 

In 2024 the charity Marie Curie, which aims to provide a better end of life for more people, commissioned a large survey on public attitudes to death, dying and bereavement in the UK. Interestingly, it included a series of questions related to whether grief and bereavement should be included in the school curriculum in UK schools. 

Whilst the National Curriculum in England doesn’t currently mandate the teaching of death and grief, the topics are often addressed as part of lessons such as PSHE (Personal, Social, Health and Economic Education) and RE (Religious Education). Schools are also expected to support pupils experiencing bereavement as part of their pastoral care system.

But perhaps more could – and should – be done. The majority of respondents to the Marie Curie survey were in favour of the potential benefits that including grief education in the curriculum could bring, particularly in secondary schools. 

Let’s take a look at some of the benefits that could arise if curriculum reform were to include grief education in UK schools.

The benefits of grief education

There are many potential benefits to including grief education in the curriculum. Some of these are:

• Children understand that death happens

Death is not something that can be hidden from children, much as we might try. Death is always in the news in one way or another. Perhaps during reports of war or terrorism, a major accident, or even a global pandemic. Death surrounds us, and even though our instinct is to protect children from that truth, it is not always going to be possible. 

Far better that they become familiar with the concept of death in a safe environment rather than it being some kind of secret threat at the periphery of their understanding.

• Children are better prepared for coping with death and bereavement

Sadly, death will also affect many children directly. According to Child Bereavement UK, 127 children lose a parent in the UK every day. And by the age of 16, nearly all of us have experienced some kind of bereavement. Whether that’s a relative, friend or pet, if a child has had no kind of preparation for this they can feel disorientated, confused, and scared. 

In fact, we let children down by leaving them to navigate the troubled waters of bereavement and grief with no map or tools to help them. Grief education in UK schools could add an essential set of life skills to the next generation.

• Grief education can strengthen mental well-being and emotional literacy

It is often the case that it’s not children who are scared of talking about death, but adults. Children have lots of questions about death, but often have nowhere to go with them. 

Whereas the process of dying used to have a much more hands-on involvement from family, friends and the community it is often now a taboo subject that is outsourced to professional institutions. But acknowledging death and grief openly and honestly as inevitable and powerful human experiences can strengthen mental well-being and emotional literacy amongst our children.

• Grief education can be life-affirming

Sometimes the rationale behind keeping death as the final taboo is that it is a morbid topic to talk about. But conversely, it can be a deeply life-affirming one. As children begin to understand death more, it can lead to a fuller appreciation of life and a deeper desire to grab life with both hands and make the most of every opportunity. 

Other cultures often embrace this concept more than we do in the UK. For example, the Mexican Día de los Muertos – Day of the Dead – is a celebration of death and life, where families remember and welcome back their loved ones. and exchange mourning for celebration. 

• Teachers are better equipped to support bereaved children

In 2019, Child Bereavement UK found that 90% of teachers felt they lacked the necessary training to support death and bereavement in school, despite 86% acknowledging the need to do this. The Marie Curie research mentioned earlier found that over half of children had experienced a close bereavement, most commonly when they were at primary school, and the vast majority of parents needed support from teachers at this time. 

All the above underlines the urgent need for improved training and resources for teachers to help pupils who had experienced the loss of someone close to them so that teachers can provide an environment that is supportive to a bereaved child and is a safe place for them to explore their feelings.

In many ways death is indeed the final taboo in the UK. But with growing calls for more death education and grief education in UK schools perhaps there will soon be changes to our approach to teaching children about death.

Meanwhile, if you need some tips about how to talk about death with your own children, take a look at Funerals with Grace’s helpful guide : How to talk to children about death.